Hello, My Name is Finn

Hello, my readers.

Tonight, I have for you a very personal letter.  This letter is a confession.  About which, you will discover below.

 

As the days and months have gone on, Jessie, has starte to feel like someone else to me. A person I am no more.  The name Jessie is still too associated with the words “she” and “her.”  Even the pronouns they/them don’t seem to sit right with me anymore.  So, I have decided to do and confess something.

Hello.

My name is Finn.

And I am a boy.

There, I said it.

I am a boy.

Coming out as a transgender boy has been more terrifying  than I ever imagined it being and I’m still not out to half of my friends and family yet!   I felt like, when I was still identifying as non-binary, I was always questioning.  Always.  The thing about coming out under that is  that it was assumed that I was still identifying as half the gender of my birth.  Which might have been the case were I actually comfortable with that label.  No, I’m not “half-girl, half-guy” at all. There is no such thing as “girl” in me.   I still like somethings that are considered to be more feminine, but I am not a woman at all.  There is of course nothing wrong with being a woman, or identifying under the term of non-binary, it just didn’t suit me.

Yes, I love makeup, fashion, and all kinds of art, but I am a fucking guy.  A man.  For as long as I can remember, I’ve never felt quite comfortable with my body.  When I was a kid, I passed it off as some huge spiritual thing wrong with the whole world.  As a teenager, I dismissed it as not being fit enough( I could stand to be in better shape most days) or still needing to grow into my body.

I didn’t even have the right kind of body to grow into!  I also had that name that never suited me, Jessie.  Short for Jessica, which I never used unless it was for official documentation. So, my name was already half dead to me.

The name Finn is one that I have always loved.  It is the name of one of my closest friends. A name I eventually ended up using for the character I created in the Virginia Renaissance Faire this summer.  It just felt so right when people called me by it and used he/him pronouns.  So, here we are.

Below I have also written a short poem for you to read.

Thank you for listening.

 

-Finn Honrine

 

 

 

Kiss Me

 

So are you going to kiss me, or are you going to kiss a trans guy?

Are you kissing me because you want me, or the social acceptance of kissing me?

I am not a thing to be tried out.

I am not some exotic dish to just have a taste of.

I will not be treated like a coat you only try on once and then cast aside forever.

If you are going to kiss me, I want you to kiss me.  

I want you to feel my lips.

Not just a trans guy’s lips, but my lips.

I am so much more than the label I have chosen.

I have twenty-one years worth of battle scares, war stories, love stories, happy times, sad times, in between times, real times, and feelings all bundled up inside me.

I just hope you can take it

I just want you to kiss me. 

 

-Finn Honrine

 

 

 

 

To The People Voting for Trump

Dear people,

Some of you are voting for Trump.

If, after reading this letter, that is still your decision, you do you,

But I will stand with the nasty woman.

I’ve heard some of you say that he’s what America needs.

An outsider, someone new.  Someone who hasn’t been corrupted by all those dirty politicians.

Let me remind you that his only “political experience” is with the building of his golf courses in Scotland.

 

“But he’s a good businessman!” you say.

Trumps hotel and casino businesses  filed for bankruptcy five times (1990, 1991 twice, 2008, and 2009.)

 

“He’s not afraid to be honest.”

Yes, because grabbing women by the pussy, making fun of a disabled reporter, saying veterans are only heroes if they weren’t captured, and just being a dick are amazing qualities to have.

 

“Pence will keep him in line!”

May I remind you that Pence supports the ban of abortion, the passing of bills like HB2 and has admitted to not having a lot of control over Trump.  Yeah, Pence sure has his misogynist, transphopic and homophobic shit together.  They are truly a match made in hell.

 

“He has a plan to defeat ISIS.”

Ah yes, doesn’t everyone.  I am sorry to say that I can’t agree with the idea that banning an entire group of people from entering our country, when most of them are innocent, and all hell is breaking lose in their countries, is going to solve the problem.  Sounds a bit like a certain leader in WWII.

 

“He will make America great again!”

Ah, and there it is.  The catch phrase, the golden number.  “Make America great again.”   So, again.  By again do you mean back in the 1700-1800’s when we still had salves and were killing off an entire race of people?  Do you mean the early 1900’s when women were still fighting for the right to vote and getting beaten for it?  Do you mean the 1950’s-1960’s when racism, homophobia and misogyny were still rampant in the U.S?  Do you mean to say that finally gaining some form of equality for many people is not your idea of “great”?

I am part of a minority as are many of my friends.  Many are part of more than one.   Trump scares us, because he is a danger to us.  I may not like Hillary, but at least she will continue to make it comfortable for me to walk on the streets.

 

So, Trump supporters, tell me.  What is so goddamn great about Trump?

 

Sincerely,

Jessie

I am offended that you are offended: A Lesson Learned From an International Friend

Today in my English course , my eyes got a little wider. For now, I will simply call this friend E.  E is a foreign exchange student from Italy studying here in America for a year.  In our English class, we have been studying the novel Americanah by Chimamanda Agozi Adichie. Americanah explores the experience of an immigrant in America through the eyes of a Nigerian woman by the of name, Ifemilu. One of the many new and odd things about America that Ifemilu discovers is how hard Americans try to seem like they don’t care about things like race, gender, and sexuality, yet how easily they can become offended when someone even brings up the words “black,” “homo”, or “foreign.”  E, while we sat in our group discussion told me this;

“Everyone is so afraid of being offensive, that it becomes offensive.”

Americans are very, very good at avoiding things that seem controversial.  We’ve done it for years.  We say that race is no longer and problem.  We are “color blind” to things like that.  We don’t like it when you use words like black or Hispanic, because as soon as those words roll out of your mouth, all those rich, white “liberal” people realise that their perfect little mixed salad of America, is not perfect at all.  In fact, it’s all rather white-washed There are so many issues of race, gender, and sexuality still alive today in America.  Racism did not end with slavery.  People talk about the 1960’s as if they happened over 100 years ago rather than in the lifetimes of some of our immediate family members. And don’t even try to pretended that we are “color blind” to issues in the LGBTQ+ community.  Race is also a giant part of that.   We still have a long way to go, and one of the first steps is going to be talking about these problems in a way that might be uncomfortable to some and offensive to others; however I strongly believe in pulling no punches when it comes to issues so important as these.  Let’s start being honest with ourselves and the rest of the world and stop  avoiding our problems.

It’s time for America to get it’s shit together

The Problem with “All”

I’m sure everyone by now has heard of the following movements and groups:

Black Lives Matter

All Lives Matter

Blue Lives Matter

LGBTQA+

As a result of police violence directed against black people over the past two or three years, the movement, Black Lives Matter was born.  It is a movement meant to empower and give a voice to the black victims of police violence and eradicate the racism within police forces.  Black Lives Matter also  became a big part of the LGBTQA+ community.  This year, 19 black trans women were killed and many more have been unaccounted for.  Thought it did take a step away from police violence, the message was very much the same, to eradicate racism and give these people an equal opportunity and voice.

Blue Lives Matter was started when more extreme members of the Black Lives Matter movement killed a police officer during a protest.   Blue Lives Matter humanized police officers and made it known that not all police were out to arrest and kill back people.

After these movements started to fight against each other and the media painted Black Lives Matter as something similar to a militant group, All Lives Matter came to be.

All Lives Matter claimed to treat everyone as equals and exclude color, gender, and class entirely.  This is a problem.  There is a very big difference between making people equal and just saying, “Everyone is the same.  Can’t we all get along.”   To give you an example, there was a science competition and campaign recently called The Pretty Curious Challenge.   Pretty Curious was aimed at getting girls interested in STEM carriers, which is a field normally dominated by men.   During their competition last year, it was decided that it was going to be co-ed because “all genders” should have a chance at STEM.  The challenge was won by a thirteen-year-old boy who made a video game while the two female runner ups had made an energy converting fridge to help save money and electricity.

By saying that “all genders” should have an equal chance, the creators of Pretty Curious did not make the competition more equal.  Men already have a greater chance of getting accepted into the STEM field.  By having a competition just for girls, the playing field would have been leveled.  The same thing goes for the All Lives Matter movement.  You are not addressing the problem at all.  You are simply ignoring the fact that there is one.

As much as we hate to admit it, this world was built on labels and categorization. They are not always bad things either.  If we all had the same opinion and were all the same person, this world would be boring.  What needs to happen is the acceptance of those differences.  Not this dismantling of them.  Yes, all lives do matter and all genders should have equal opportunities, but the fact is, that is not the case right now and we are not going to get anywhere near equality if we cannot learn that we all have our differences and some of those differences are not accepted at all and the hate of them has caused the death, humiliation, and hurt of many.

Let us work towards a day when we can with confidence say instead that We are equal.

 

 

 

 

A Little Thing Called Life

Dear readers,

 

I am going to tell you about that little thing we call life.

It’s weird.

It’s complicated.

It’s messy.

And a lot of the time it doesn’t make a hell of a lot of since.  It’s made up of raging emotions, hormones, changes, and stress.  You can feel completely out of control for large portions of it.

I’ll tell you a secret though…..

It can also be pretty fucking awesome.   Yeah, it’s tough shit sometimes, but it’s getting through all that tough shit that makes it worth while.

There have been days, I am sure, that we have all thought about just giving up, but there’s just something about life that’s worth fighting for.

I fight for it because for a very long time, I was just surviving, but then I learned what living was.  Let me tell you, that is something I would happily fight for every single day.

Surviving is like beating your fists against a  brick wall, or using feathers against iron bars.  Living is like flying.

Living is making people laugh and smile at a joke, or something sweet.  Holding onto someone in times of trouble.

It feels like you can actually breath.

 

Many of you are probably going through some tough times right now.  I am too.  I  won’t lie and say I’m always good at taking my own advice.  Most days I really suck at it, but to any of you reading this, I hope you will take it to heart because guess what;

Despite all of the tough things,

Life is pretty fucking awesome.

 

Virgin

I hate the word virgin.    

It is the double standard of double standards.  The taboo of taboos.  

For if you don’t have it, there is something missing from you.  You have been 

“broken into”

 “owned” by someone. 

  You are no longer desirable.

Yet if you still have it by the age of eighteen, you are considered 

“untamed”

“Prudish”

You are an unclaimed piece of land meant to be conquered.

  A piece of meat to be torn up and faught over. 

When someone is raped, their virginity is

“ripped away”

“taken”

They are no longer

“Strong”

“Able to defend themselves”

I hate the word Virginity because it makes your body and your mind seem like something to be taken from.

Like you will always need the perfect person to fit with you and a savior to put you back together.

Your body, is your own.  Someone can beat it, fuck it, or spit on it, but it will always be yours.

Your mind can be broken, tortured, and hurt, but it will always be your land to rule.

I hate the word virginity, because it is possessive.  

This body cannot just be taken like a box, or shared and passed around like a bottle.

I refuse to belong to anyone but myself.

Improv

I love improv.  I love it, I love it, I love it.  Improv, for those of you who don’t know, is short for improvisational acting. It is unscripted and completely random.  You get your ass in front of an audience and make stuff up on the dot.  It’s very much like a conversation.   Improv is entirely creative and can change at the drop of a hat.  You have the reins.  There is no script to tell you what to do.

Of course,  you do have to have some kind of uniformity.  Be that playing a character, or just acting as yourself.  This summer I joined the cast of the Virginia Renaissance Faire and can now say I have been trained in improv acting.  I played a character of my creation named Finn Swisher.  He is a failed squire under Sir Kumquat in the Staffordshire militia.  Mind  you, he didn’t just happen over night.  It took a moth of intensive lessons on the weekend and intensive practice during the week to figure out how I wanted to portray Finn.  I had to find a walk for him, a voice, and a bit of a backstory.  There was work to be done, but after that  it was up to me.

My experience at a Renaissance Faire is most definitely not what happens across the board of improv acting.  There is improv comedy, or stand up which can involve playing characters, but more often than not, the comedians are acting as themselves.   The improve acting I did at the Renaissance Faire is also known as “360 Theater”.  This means exactly what it sounds like it should.  The ground is your theater and the people around you are your audience.  You must be in character all the time for however many hours the job requires. The work can be a grueling process.

Despite all the difficulties that come with being an improv actor, or comedian it is enjoyable and if you like to act and are willing to take on the challenge, then I urge you to do it.

Shine on you crazy diamonds!

I’ll see you in the next blog post.

For more information on how you can join the cast of VARF, or come and see us go to http://www.varf.org

 

I Am Still Here

Hello my dear readers and watchers,

As I am sure you have noticed, I have not been posting as much.  There is a reason for this. I have had a lot of personal stuff going on and it has made it difficult to even get in the right mindset for writing.   I hope to soon be able to get my brain to work again.  I will be starting college again soon.  Perhaps essays will kick my ass back in gear.

I hope you all have lovely days.

Keep writing!

-Jessie Carter

The Salt of Chapter 84

The most recent chapter of Attack on Titan is out and holy shit is there some salt.  People are almost as salty as the ocean   Armin talks about.

WARNING!  SPOILER ALERT!

To recap, the chapter centers around the deaths of two major characters, as we were told before the chapter was released.  The two characters in question are Armin Alert, and Commander Ewrin Smith.

Comander Erwin had been hit with a spray of rocks the ape titain threw at him and a group of soldiers.   Armin, in a deversion tactic was burned alive by the colossal titan. The Survey Corps had one vial of titan serium only to be used when it was absolutely necessary, by Captain Levi Ackerman.  He told Eren he would use the injection on “The person who would save the world.”

When it came down to it, after nearly being beheaded by Mikasa, Levi was given a choice.  Either save the commander who has for years proven that he was willing to sacrifice everything, even his humanity; or this kid who might potential to do the same.

The next few scenes go through flash backs of these two people from the differing perspectives of Levi, Eren and Mikasa.

In the end, he did try to give it to Erwin, but Erwin refused and Levi ended up giving it to Armin.

Now, how do I feel about this?  I’m not entirely sure really.  I think no matter who Isayama chose to keep alive, it would have still been a heart renching chapter.  I thought Ewrin would have been the choice, since that seemed to be where everyone’s logic was going.  Even the people who really didn’t like it.

I’m not quite sure what made Isayama decide to keep Armin instead of Erwin.  It would have seemed more fit with the incredibly dark path of the story for Alert to die.  While he is a brave character, he has yet to prove that he can become a monster.  But there where several groups of fans also rooting for Armin, the under dog.  Isayama has written to the fans before. His original plan for the series was to kill everyone off, but once people started to like his manga, he found he didn’t want to do that.  He now says he doesn’t always know where, or how his series will end.  Sometimes he’s just flying by the seat of his pants.

But in all honesty, who the fuck knows? I think that in the final moments of decision, Isayama truly was projecting a bit of himself on Levi, which might be why the choice is so confusing.

Perhaps the story needed a change of heart.  A little humanity, or he had sympathy for the character. Perhaps he was writing to his fans.

Whatever the choice, let us hope that it is one with no regrets.